The end to the life I thought I had

28 Sep

I know. I haven’t been around in a very long time and that’s about to change. Why not, the bottom of my world gave way for me back in June. It’s a series of events that just accumulated and I guess it was simply too much for someone else to handle.

As you might know, I have been dealing with Fibromyalgia for 12 years now. After my brothers suicide 2 years ago, I’ve had ongoing nightmares, startle easily, can’t handle certain sights or sounds because it triggers that event and I relive it. I was diagnosed with PTSD but am now in the process of getting some help to try to deal with the aftermath.

In April, I’d been having some issues with work and getting conflicting stories from management about time off & leaving early and having potential knee replacement surgery by the end of the year left them questioning me, and then my friend had a stroke and was found unresponsive at a convenience store. I was the emergency contact considering how we’d been friends for 30 years and the only “family” nearby. I spent 14 hours at the hospital that day. He had a brain bleed, brain cancer & lung cancer and congestive heart failure. The cancers were stage 4. Jeebus criminy, my heart…. I was devastated. He was in ICU. I went to work that Saturday to make up for that Friday because my friend almost died. Hell, he is like a pain in the ass older brother but he is my pain in the ass friend and I love him!

I did things and made calls and tried to help all weekend long. His landlord threw him out and I went to get his things. How do you panic and throw a man out because you just learned he has all this wrong with him from his crazy aunt who blows everything out of proportion? I went to work on Monday morning, arrived early and was fired as soon as I walked in. I wanted to explode on management. What kind of asshole fires an employee because they were at the hospital due to an emergency situation. And what if it had been my husband instead of a near lifelong friend??

So after I was fired, I tried to find another job. No luck and my health was getting worse, pain in my legs, not being able to sit in a chair for 8 hours a day, not being able to walk far or stand long…. so I started looking for positions where I would work from home – again. I knew this well. I’d done it for almost 10 years prior to the job I was recently fired from. That was in an actual office. Supervising the call center. Technically managing the damn thing but not getting the recognition for it. I was getting interviews and now was fighting for my unemployment. It took a little time but I had gotten hired for a work at home company but wouldn’t be starting til September.

Ok, good, promise of temporary employment for 6 months that could possibly become permanent but lets keep trying. So I found another position for 12-19 hours a week. I can do this, but evidently my other half couldn’t. He told me that he can’t support me. We had a long talk and he asked me if I was genuinely feeling as bad as I’d said. Yes, it was worse than he was seeing and I would try to hide how bad I was feeling from him.  He hated that he couldn’t provide me with medical benefits and knows of all the surgery I need. But then came the final blow. He actually said to me, “I think it’s best if you go back home to your family.”!!

Huh? What did you say? How can you say that? I married you, remember those vows? For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health? So it was all good until it came down to the in sickness part. I believed in you. In US. I stood behind every decision you’ve ever made and never, ever tried to stop you from being the you that I loved so much. But you can’t do this illness with me? Like, seriously? Just WOW.

That one hurt like a bitch. I felt like I’d been ninja kicked in my gut. I wanted to puke and punch him in the face at the same time. I cried and I cried hard. I felt absolutely worthless. I felt like I’d suddenly become an overnight burden to him and everyone else. I’d done so much for him and us and so many others over the course of my lifetime that I never thought someone would not be there for me when it got to be too much for me to continue working full time. Someone who I loved to the depths of my soul, who knows everything about me and to whom I bared everything. Helluva thing love is. But evidently, it truly isn’t enough.

Not enough for him to try to help me instead of hurling words and phrases that left welts on the inside. Not enough for him to not despise me, as he said he was starting to do. Never in my life did I think that this was how it was going to end. And all I could think is, what can I do to fix this? The one thing he wanted was for me to work. I’m sorry, I would love to continue to work full time. I love being busy and having a purpose but now, I feel worthless. And I simply cannot fix “us” when I can barely fix myself. So I left. As requested. And I hated it. All of it.

Now I’ve been home in NJ for two, almost 3 months. I’ve applied for SSI and SSDI. I’m receiving some help from the state. I’ve forced myself to do as suggested and take it week by week, day by day. I’ve made the appointments I need to so I can start the process of helping myself get better. Dentist gave me the referral for the oral surgeon and I go in two weeks for a consult. I found a new general practitioner and have appointments made for the orthopedic, gastro and pain management. I’m going for the bloodwork and dropping off the hemoccult sample tomorrow. Oh, and a mammogram on Monday. So I’m working on me.

Now the question is, is our relationship strong enough to withstand the distance and the time required for me to take care of me? I’m torn. I feel like I was tossed aside because it was too much trouble to let me figure out the next step. I was working on it. I am still working on it. I’m looking for a part time work at home job. And doing everything I need to do to be comfortable in this shitty situation. In the meantime, we talk. And wait. That’s all I can do right now.

I have a few major battles that I’ll have to deal with before I can decide what the next step is. Right now, patience is key. I’m living with family until I can get some finances coming in. I need my own space. I’m so thankful for my family. The worst part of all of this is trying to keep myself out of my own mind. It’s dark and scary in there. It leaves me feeling emotionally drained, dark thoughts and made up scenarios twist every thought.

The waiting is the hardest part….

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